Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Sober January is a disaster.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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