I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
