If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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