you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
