mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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