I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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