Can Purell be used as lube?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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