Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
