I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
