this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
