I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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