you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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