I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
