Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Two words: nipple clamps
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