I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
