Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
