That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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