I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Actions speak louder than pants.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
