he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
