But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
