he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Randomize
