Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
