listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
