You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
