I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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