If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
