Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
