she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
