I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
