so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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