I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
