I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
