If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Randomize
