Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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