I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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