So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
