It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
