fuck your aforementioned shoe
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
