I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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