i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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