He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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