and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
