there was a trapeze. enough said
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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