Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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