I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
