If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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