I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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