Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
