come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
