i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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