I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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