the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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