he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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