Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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